What the Real Estate Ads Really Mean

We’ve all read them and used them, in the search for the perfect house. My dad and sister have sold real estate and I once had a license. Crafting an ad is a challenge to promote the best features of a home. After reviewing thousands of newspaper ads, I think I’m qualified to decipher the words and phrases that are most used. Here they are:

Quaint: Really old without being historic

Picturesque: Hard to look at

Cozy: Small

Under Appraisal; Originally overpriced

Remodeled: Repainted

Close to Shopping: there’s a 7/11 on the corner

Owner Must Sell: Duh!

Gourmet Kitchen: Has a sink and oven

View Lot: View of the lot next door

Extra Security: Front door has a lock and key

Fixer Upper: Ready for Demolition

Family Neighborhood: Lots of screaming kids and barking dogs

Privacy: Overgrown bushes

Executive Home: Includes bathrooms and bedrooms

Three-Car Garage: If one of them is a motorcycle

Dream House: Because ‘Nightmare House’ would scare you away

Custom Cabinets: Handpainted by the previous owner

Upgraded Flooring: New area rugs from Walmart

Highly Desirable: The owner desires to get out

Model Home: If you happen to be Twiggy

Well-Maintained: They occasionally mowed the lawn

Working Fireplace: You can still smell the smoke in the living room

Water View: When the sprinkler is on

Needs TLC: It was totaled in a fire

Just Reduced: It was totaled in a fire

Ideal Location: If you like living near a toxic waste dump

Large Lot: Makes up for the itsy, bitsy house

Original Owner: The house is older than the Bible

Priced to Sell: (refer back to ‘Owner Must Sell’ above)

For Sale by Owner: Too cheap to pay a Realtor

Perfect for You: Are they really psychic?

If you’re a real estate agent and I have offended you by any of these terms, get a life. However, if you are in the market for a home, I happen to have a beautiful, inviting, open floor plan, 3 bedroom beauty…

Jeffrey Hauser was a sales consultant for the Bell System Yellow Pages for nearly 25 years. He graduated from Pratt Institute with a BFA in Advertising and has a Master's Degree from Monmouth University. He had his own advertising agency in Scottsdale, Arizona and ran a consulting and design firm, ABC Advertising. He has authored 6 books and a novel, "Pursuit of the Phoenix," available at amazon.com. His latest book is, "Inside the Yellow Pages." Currently, he is the Marketing Director for thenurseschoice.com, a Health Information and Doctor Referral site.